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"Can we out-pedal an Olympic-level
athlete? God, what made us think we might?"
"Last time you saw Niki Gudex in FHM
she was lounging about in a teensy black bikini. Given
the pants tightening nature of the photos, maybe you didn't
take in the fact she's a national cross-country mountain bike
champ in line for a start at the Beijing Olympics.
We did. Then wondered: how hard can it be to put the
little lady in her place with a riding lesson she'll never
forget? FHM suited up to defend the honour of grossly
unfit Australian men…
THE WARM-UP
We're expecting smooth, fast tracks through open fields
of windblown grass. We get Teflon-coated rocks, rutted
dirt and knacker-smashing drops instead. We're still
trying to sort the 21-speed gear change when a tree branch
becomes jammed behind the rear wheel. It dawns on our
rival that we have the cycling talent of a circus chimp.
Gudex: 1; FHM:
0
THE DOWNHILL
We watch, slack-jawed, as Niki floats across a boulder-strewn
downhill section. The woman barely brushes the brakes
at the top of a nasty 10-metre drop over pebble-strewn rocks.
FHM considers bailing, but we shut our eyes, aim left, and
wobble down the incline at an embarrassing crawl. "Keep
doing it and you'll smash down there eventually," she
says. Sure enough, we get faster with each pass…
until we slide off the track and cut our shin on a stick.
Gudex: 2; FHM: 0
THE UPHILL
Surely this is an archaeological dig, not a track. Niki
sprays sharp stones in her wake and flies up a 50-metre cut
between trees. FHM wobbles, scrabbles, shimmies…
and gasps to a halt halfway up. Defeated, we need Niki
to push us up to the top. We try not to fart from the
exertion… and fail.
Gudex: 3; FHM:
a humiliating 0
Cult Fact…
Kidneys: expendable. Particularly when you're a downhill
biker. Aussie Jared Graves smashed one kidney, had it
removed and lost a year of competition. Then in 2003, he lacerated
the remaining organ… but surgeons saved it."
Words: FHM. Photographed
by Chris Herron.
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